The Rebellious Act of Just Being

This past year, especially the last few months, it has felt like a switch has been turned on or off—depending on your perspective. I sense I'm now peeling away the stories I've told myself and others, along with shedding my chip on my shoulder.

That chip—'Let me prove you wrong'—has taken me to incredible places, including in my career, where I fly around the world because people request my skills. This isn’t bragging; my friends often remind me to say and believe this more. Inside, I still wonder how this is my life, considering I once struggled with self-doubt. Now, people see me as an expert who commands a room.

For years, I chased a specific job title, salary, and a sense of importance, as well as love, connection, and security through relationships. I spent much effort earning friends’ approval, which was somewhat successful, unlike boys who are like Trump, unpredictable and chaotic.

Now, I no longer need to chase friends because I’ve found groups that accept me. But now, I find myself chasing again—not for boys, but simply to be.

No job title.

No seeking approval.

No justifying my worth.

I want to just be.

How liberating! No more trying or chasing to prove anything—just being. But how?

This insight came after a challenging year at work and in life. I’ve reached a point where I am truly ready to move on to a quieter, simpler time without playing the game or controlling the future.

I have no idea what I want after this job, despite having valuable skills. Honestly, I’d love to take six months off and grow this platform (thanks to over 80,000 visitors this year!), but at the same time, I don’t want to do anything.

We’re taught from a young age and throughout life—school, college, work, retirement—to enjoy life. Although my path changed, I’ve still been giving back and contributing, which I’ve fought hard for over nearly 20 years, losing sleep, time, and tears.

Now, I don’t want it anymore—even at my peak. I am beginning to stop chasing things and fighting so hard against people. When asked what’s next, I simply say, “I don’t know.” I attribute this uncertainty to years of tying my identity to a job and lifestyle I no longer recognize, compounded by burnout. I finally voiced, “I just want to be,” and people smiled, knowing what I meant, though I still don’t fully understand it myself.

This phrase keeps appearing, almost as if guiding me to learn a lesson—about living in the present, rather than dwelling on the past or future. I tend to think a lot about both, especially now as I consider my next steps.

But how can I decide without looking ahead?

For me, this means channeling my drive in a healthier way—motivated by what I truly do or don’t want rather than by old stories, people, or resentments. I feel I’m on the verge of living a life I genuinely desire, instead of one I think I should have.

I still don’t know exactly what that looks like—maybe a SoCal lifestyle—but whatever it is, I will stay true to myself, rather than others’ expectations. Or as Taylor Swift sings, “keep it 100 on the land, the sea, the sky.”

So, let’s go on an adventure together of just being, shall we?